Uncomfortablism - The Agenda

While other parties conceal their intentions for fear of electoral disapproval, we make no secret of our policies. It is not our job to be popular. At the core of our agenda is the tenet that a policy, whether or not it makes any sense or does any good, must make people uncomfortable.

Abortion

We will sidestep the entire debate, devoting resources instead to a massive reduction in the frequency of unwanted pregnancies. From the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal it emerged that oral sex made a great many people uncomfortable. We will mount a cross-media promotion of oral sex and masturbation: Give Yourself A Hand, Use Your Head.

Underaged Drinking

See above. There is a limit to the number of things you can have in your mouth at the same time.

The Obesity Epidemic

See above.

God

The separation of church and state is an ideal to which people comfortably subscribe without examining whether it is attained. We will launch a merged state religion, with at its head the only universally respected religious figure, Santa Claus; at his right hand, the Easter Bunny, symbol of fertility; at his left, the virgin Barbie, goddess of elective surgery. All rites, convictions and practices, however oppressive, archaic or contradictory, will be embraced and vigorously defended. The church will be evangelistic, highly profitable and eventually universal. There will be entertaining ceremonies, colourful frocks and funky music. Its motto: "People can believe anything".

Gays

We will widen the scope of the marriage contract to embrace all relationships. Not only may any person marry any other person, regardless of age or gender, but other barriers such as species, biological status, and absence of concrete existence will be lifted. A woman may marry her job, a man may marry his car, a child may marry her guinea pig, and a bigot may marry his prejudices.

Guns

Guns will be compulsory. All citizens will learn from kindergarten age to correctly maintain and operate a wide range of firearms. High noon contests will dominate the sporting arena. Make my day.

Law and Order

See above. Unchecked vigilantism will work hand in hand with a corrupt and decadent police force to maintain the status quo.

Drugs

We will just say yes. All drugs, however pointless, dangerous and destructive, will be legalised, and regulated with the same delicacy, sensitivity and responsibility as are alcohol and tobacco today.

Health

The great Australian sickie will end: sick leave will be renamed health leave. Hospital waiting lists will be halved, and the number of hospital beds doubled, in both cases by simply chopping them in two. All pubs and clubs will be required to display in large letters on their doors the words "Fuck off". Fast food outlets will be required to place at their entrances and exits a maze of gymnastic equipment, judged so that the calories consumed in eating and exercising are equal. Watching sport without participating will incur a hefty fine. Smokers will be required to wear an airtight helmet. Office managers will lead all workers in calisthenics or community singing four times daily.

Education

We will encourage children to think. We will tell them what we know of the truth. We will honour idle curiosity. This will make everyone uncomfortable. We will assist universities by funding a great many ill-considered studies into matters of doubtful importance.

Foreign Policy

Other countries are a rich source of unease. We will let them go about their business unmolested. We will draw attention to their practice of doing things differently and not caring what we think about it.

The Environment

Parking will be illegal. Only self-composting pit toilets will be permitted. Showerheads will be blocked. Toxic plumes will be returned to sender. A costly research project will examine the viability of supplying all energy needs with methane captured by cunningly designed underwear.

The Economy

We will instigate a variable random regulatory regime that keeps them guessing. No one will become comfortable with the loopholes long enough to scam them. Consumerism will be discredited by a wide range of practices and promotions. For each advertisement for a product or service, the advertiser will be required to fund a campaign of equal penetration explaining why you're better off without it. Party members will wear shabby clothing and be transported in poorly maintained, inexpensive vehicles. Ostentation will be ridiculed.

Taxation

Against.

The Arts

All art is political, all art is pornography. The more the merrier.

Spam

Death to spammers.

Immigration

All immigrants will be required to arrive in leaky boats. This will test the mettle and resolve of prospective citizens, prepare them for the uncomfortable life ahead, select for Olympic swimming skills, and provide a welcome shot in the arm for the struggling leaky boat sector. Immigrants will be required to sing all five verses of Advance Australia Fair on arrival, with the original Anglophile sexist imperialist lyrics, and pass an examination on GST legislation while affecting a Robert Gordon Menzies accent. To celebrate different clothing and facial hair, successful applicants will be issued with an Al Grassby safari suit and moustache.